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Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

  • David Wooderson on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#6) David Wooderson

    • Dazed and Confused

    In Dazed and Confused, David Wooderson, played by Matthew McConaughey, is a major lothario – or so he wants people to think. The way Wooderson acts throughout the film, with his whole "I get older they stay the same age" thing, and his insistence on giving women weird nicknames, makes you wonder if he’s ever even kissed a girl.

    It’s safe to say most alpha males who make a big deal about their sexual conquests have never actually done half of what they say they have. Wooderson is definitely guilty of this crime.

  • J.R. MacReady on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#11) J.R. MacReady

    • The Thing

    The hero of The Thing, played by Kurt Russell, is an ace helicopter pilot who can fly through any snow storm, drink whiskey like it’s water, and handle most alien invasions. Presumably MacReady could work anywhere, but he ended up in a research station exclusively populated by grizzled dudes and melting dog-Things.

    Either MacReady has such terrible people skills that his only option for work is to go to Antarctica, or he dislikes people so much that he chose to work in Antarctica. Either way, that’s proof that MacReady has never so much as held hands with a prospective lover.

  • Daniel Plainview on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#5) Daniel Plainview

    • There Will Be Blood

    There Will Be Blood’s Daniel Plainview may drink up your milkshake, but he’s never drank up anything else, you know? Not only is he a vile human being, but he’s completely obsessed with finding oil, making cold hard cash, and destroying his enemies. All three of those things are enough to fill one’s day, leaving zero time for the pursuit of sexual intercourse.

  • Bane on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#2) Bane

    • Justice League: Doom, The Dark Knight Rises

    Bane, the masked, muscular thorn in the side of Batman, grew up in a hole in the middle of the desert surrounded by crooks and thieves. Sure, he's got a babelike face under that contraption, but once he escapes the prison he's out for revenge. Forget physical touch. Bane is all about pumping iron and engaging in super-villainy.

    Even after he banishes Bruce Wayne to that same desert hole and starts walking people onto a frozen lake, Bane keeps himself busy with bad guy stuff rather than attempting to woo a sexual partner.

  • Xander Cage on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#14) Xander Cage

    • xXx, XXX: The Return of Xander Cage

    The man, the myth, the bald, Xander Cage is always shown in spicy situations with super sexy ladies. But do you think he’s actually having sex with any of them? Cage honestly seems like he’s more interested in wearing insane coats than getting busy.

    If you’re a real X-head, you’re probably saying, “Xander Cage slept with a bunch of models in London in xXX: Return of Xander Cage!” Here’s the thing: there's no evidence he did anything other than literally sleep with them. Cage is such a dork that he most likely stayed up all night chatting about everyone’s hopes and dreams rather than having rooftop group sex like any spy worth his salt.

  • Mitch Buchannon on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#4) Mitch Buchannon

    • Baywatch the Movie: Forbidden Paradise, Baywatch Nights, Baywatch, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding

    If box office receipts are to be believed, you didn’t see the new Baywatch movie. If you had, you would know that Mitch Buchannon is presented as the number-one stud of Emerald Bay: all the ladies want him and the men want to be him. But all Mitch seems to want is to get jacked, save lives, and keep the beach free from injustice of all kinds. Throughout the film women throw themselves at him, only to be consistently rebuffed. Mitch isn't afraid to go toe to toe with vicious drug dealers, but he is spooked by intimacy.

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About This Tool

Alpha males, meaning “older” males who are comfortable in a group and have it all under control. Researchers recently found that for Alpha males, extra stress may be one of the main reasons for their short lives. On the other hand, scientists have also found that stress contributes to the evolution of the brain and that Alpha males’ success is in part due to stress.

This random tool collates 15 items and introduces you to the impressive Alpha male in the film. They often a simple character, like to boast about their heroic deeds, but in fact, shallow thinking, not too bad-hearted.

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