Random Movies No '80s Kid Is Actually Nostalgic About (17 items)

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  (#15) The Toy

  • Richard Pryor, Jackie Gleason, Wilfrid Hyde-White, Alex Hyde-White, Scott Schwartz, Stocker Fontelieu, Louis Herthum, Virginia Capers, Tony Burton, Paul Tuerpe, Teresa Ganzel, Don Hood, Steve Kahan, Harold Herthum, Tody Bernard, B.J. Hopper, Stuart Baker-Bergen, Bill Holliday, Davis Hotard, James Roddy, Ray Spruell, Valerian Smith, Malik Farrakhan, Orwin C. Harvey, Robert M. Stevens, Annazette Chase, Robert Neilson, Charles Detraz, Sally Birdsong, Robert Earle, Robert Adams, Marilyn Gleason, Elbert Andre Patrick, Lewis Baker, Karen Leslie-Lyttle, Annie McGuire, Santos Swing, Delana Renay Cole, Robert Costley, Jim Beyer, George Howard, Juan Coleman, Lucy Campbell Rowland, Bob Cherry, Linda McCann, La Monica Matthews, Louis Weinberg, Pauline Barcelona, Dawnis Kaye Smith, Helen Howard, Debra Cole, Jon Ralph Wilson, Tot Beyer, Beverly Tagge, Mark Bennett, Willie Swing, Bruce Langley, Jim Clancy, J.D. Martin

  The Toy is a movie that makes you ask, "Exactly how prejudiced were people in 1982?" In this politically incorrect comedy, Jackie Gleason plays a millionaire who hires an African American man (Richard Pryor) to be his bratty young son's plaything. Not his playmate - his play thing. From there, the audience is supposed to laugh as the kid torments Pryor in various ways, including firing at his face with a rubber dart blaster and dumping oatmeal on his head.

  Why anyone thought it was okay to make a family film in which children are asked to giggle at white people making a Black man's life miserable is one of the great cinematic mysteries of all time. 
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  (#14) Masters of the Universe

  • Courteney Cox, Dolph Lundren, Frank Langella, Billy Barty, Meg Foster, Christina Pickles, Robert Duncan McNeill, James Tolkan, Chelsea Field, Jon Cypher, Anthony De Longis, Gwynne Gilford

  Masters of the Universe toys were huge in the '80s, as was the after-school animated TV series. So what went wrong with the movie? He-Man and Skeletor did battle on the big screen, but the technology of the era wasn't good enough to recreate the epic atmosphere that fans were expecting.

  The special effects and makeup work are somewhat less than convincing. Whatever you imagined when playing with the action figures as a kid is doubtlessly way more exciting than anything that happens here, even if your made-up adventures didn't feature Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, and Courteney Cox. 
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  (#2) Condorman

  • Oliver Reed, Barbara Carrera, Michael Crawford, Dana Elcar, James Hampton, Jean-Pierre Kalfon

  Perhaps noting the success of 1978's Superman: The Movie and 1980's Superman II, Walt Disney Pictures, decades away from complete ownership of Marvel, took a crack at creating their own costumed hero. Their 1981 disaster Condorman stars Michael Crawford as a comic book artist who decides to become his signature creation. With his fancy - and ridiculously clumsy - condor suit, he helps a female KGB agent defect.

  Thanks to stiff performances, a preposterous-looking costume, and special effects so unconvincing that they make you cringe, Condorman guaranteed it would become quickly forgotten, despite airing virtually every five minutes on HBO in the early '80s. Superheroes are supposed to be cool, not laughable. When you see the character flying despite barely flapping his wings, you can't help but laugh. 
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  (#7) Best Defense

  • Eddie Murphy, Dudley Moore, Kate Capshaw, Lillian Müller, David Paymer, Tom Noonan, David Rasche, Rick Dees, Matthew Laurance, Helen Shaver, George Dzundza, Joel Polis, Peter Michael Goetz, Tracey Ross, D. David Morin, Paul Eiding, William Marquez, Raye Birk, Jim Jansen, Christopher Maher, Billy Ray Sharkey, John Hostetter, Lorry Goldman, Ellen Crawford, Darryl Henriques, Mark Arnott, Dennis Redfield, Paul Comi, Hugo Stanger, Eugene Dynarski, Jake Dengel, Gary Bayer, Rozsika Halmos, Jerry Hyman, Gabi Amrani, Sanford Jensen, Tyler Tyhurst, Burton Collins, John A. Zee, Javier Grajeda, Charles David Richards, Jennifer Wallace, Eduardo Ricard, Stephen Bradley, Gerald Jann, Yitzhak Ne'eman, Bill Geisslinger, Pamela Stonebrook, Renny Temple, Diane Carter, Deborah Fallender, Elizabeth Reiko Kubota, Ronald Salley, Julie Ellis, Patricia Pivaar, Rob Wininger, Ziporah Tzabari, Michael Scalera, Chuck Street

  Sandwiched in between Eddie Murphy's hits Trading Places and Beverly Hills Cop was his first dud. Audiences watched Best Defense expecting another Murphy laugh-fest, only to discover that he has just a small supporting role as a tank commander.

  What they got instead was a Dudley Moore comedy about a military engineer working on a gyroscope for use in Army tanks. Could any subject be less ripe for comedy than that? Even Murphy himself would probably tell people not to bother with this utterly forgettable movie, which, like Moore's gyro, falls flat. 
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  (#9) Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend

  • Sean Young, Patrick McGoohan, William Katt, Julian Fellowes, Edward Hardwicke, Hugh Quarshie, Julian Curry, Olu Jacobs, Eddie Tagoe, Thérèse Taba, Stephane Krora, Anthony Sarfoh, Susie Nottingham, Jeannot Banny, Kyalo Mativo, Alexis Meless, Roger Carlton

  Paleontologist Susan Matthews-Loomis (Sean Young) and her husband George (William Katt) delve into the Central African jungle to discover a living brontosaurus in this mid-'80s stinker.

  The uninspired adventure plot is unhelped by visual effects that not only are a far cry from Jurassic Park (released eight years later), but don't look great next to 1933's King Kong, either.
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  (#10) Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold

  • Sharon Stone, James Earl Jones, Richard Chamberlain, Cassandra Peterson, Henry Silva, Robert Donner, Aileen Marson, Doghmi Larbi, Themsie Times, Alex Heyns, Fidelis Cheza, Martin Rabbett, Nic Lesley, Rory Kilalea, George Chiota, Stuart Goakes

  Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold answers the question, "What if you tried to make an Indiana Jones movie on a miniscule budget?" Long story short, you'd end up with a lame movie. This action-adventure - based on the 19th-century adventure tales written by H. Rider Haggard - is best remembered (to the extent that it's remembered at all) for giving Sharon Stone an early pre-Basic Instinct role.

  There's an oft-repeated Hollywood rumor that Stone was so disliked by the crew that they relieved themselves in the tub right before she did a bathing scene. You may have heard that before. Can you tell us anything else about the movie? Nope? Didn't think so. 

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