Saying "um" is the human equivalent to buffering.
[ranking: 1]
/u/AnxietyAttack2013
Let's take a moment to appreciate that mother nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges.
[ranking: 2]
/u/Steel_Ninja
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
[ranking: 3]
/u/brandonberry
Everyone actually has 3 voices, the one in your head, the one you hear when you talk and the one that everyone else hears instead.
[ranking: 4]
/u/stillegal
When you're a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you're an adult, they're considered immature.
[ranking: 5]
/u/kraken_calamari
If the oldest person on earth is 116 years old, then 117 years ago, there was a completely different set of human beings on earth.
[ranking: 6]
/u/LordofSloths
Most people can eat the same breakfast weeks in a row, without complaint. But the same dinner for weeks? Now, that's just insanity.
[ranking: 7]
/u/roessera
If mary had baby jesus, and jesus is the lamb of god.... Then mary really did have a little lamb.
[ranking: 8]
/u/Indian_of_legend
Technically, it's impossible to skip breakfast. The first time you eat during a day is when you "break your fast."
[ranking: 9]
/u/scadrafein
I wonder how many times I've walked past or come into contact with a murderer.
[ranking: 10]
/u/KnibbHighFB
A group of squid should be called a squad.
[ranking: 11]
Thediepend
History classes are only going to get longer and harder as time goes on.
[ranking: 12]
/u/RealDirtyDan
Most of my clothes have been to countries that I have not.
[ranking: 13]
/u/zerophaze
Cars should have two horns: one is a "nice" one, the other is a "mean" one.
[ranking: 14]
/u/DDYLK
I have no idea what I've forgotten.
[ranking: 15]
/u/philly_jay
We rescue homeless animals and shun homeless people.
[ranking: 16]
/u/NewMaterialOnly
Getting birthday money is the real life equivalent of passing 'go' and collecting $200.
[ranking: 17]
/u/Angry_Spacepimp
The reason "cheaters never win" is because the cheaters that did win didn't get caught.
[ranking: 18]
/u/RocketHopper
"Arms" is another word for guns, and "guns" is another word for arms.
[ranking: 19]
/u/lemonsmcbob
Aliens invaded the Moon on July 20th, 1969.
[ranking: 20]
/u/pollenatedweasel
We say "hair" when referring to lots of it but we say "hairs" when referring to a few.
[ranking: 21]
/u/VoteBumblebee
"my entire life has led up to this moment" is always true.
[ranking: 22]
/u/NoIntroductionNeeded
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
[ranking: 23]
/u/shicky536
If Bruce Willis dies from Viagra overdose, the headline will read "Bruce Willis Dies Hard."
[ranking: 24]
/u/dr721
If I'm lucky, my internal organs will never see the light of day.
[ranking: 25]
/u/Strant
The witches from "Sabrina" naming their cat Salem is like a Jewish family naming a cat Auschwitz
[ranking: 26]
/u/OldMikeyboy
They should mark the last tissues in a box with red lines like they do with receipt paper.
[ranking: 27]
/u/sharkis
Why do people say "tuna fish" when they don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"?
[ranking: 28]
/u/KaptainH
I will be the last person to die in my lifetime.
[ranking: 29]
/u/myfajahas400children
"Squawks" said backwards still sounds the same even though it's not a palindrome
[ranking: 30]
"Strap-on" spelled backwards is "no parts."
[ranking: 31]
/u/Illuminaughty66
If I were a serial killer I would call myself "the suspense" so that the suspense would literally be killing people.
[ranking: 32]
/u/AhrmiintheUnseen
Asking someone "where are you" is a recent thing. Before we had mobile phones, the only way we could talk to people is if we knew where they were.
[ranking: 33]
/u/saint1997
In order to fall asleep, you have to pretend to be asleep.
[ranking: 34]
/u/conesarecool
Spacesuits are literally made to protect astronauts from nothing
[ranking: 35]
/u/cyberk25
The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi.
[ranking: 36]
/u/PhantomDukie
Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.
[ranking: 37]
/u/GuitarPerson159
I wonder if I am closer to my death or my birth right now.
[ranking: 38]
/u/ohnowhyme
When you "bite down" on something, you're actually "biting up" because you can't move your top jaw.
[ranking: 39]
/u/okspeck
If Katniss and Peeta from Hunger Games were hollywood celebrities, their supercouple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.
[ranking: 40]
/u/beinagrind_i_skapnum
If people on a planet 65 million light years away look at earth, they see dinosaurs.
[ranking: 41]
/u/Rowhardorrowhome
If you did something like a boss, you'd probably just pay someone else to do it.
[ranking: 42]
/u/mcgeeb
You're too big to ride the dog by the time you're smart enough to think to ride the dog.
[ranking: 43]
/u/puppieseverywhere
Mothers only get a day but sharks get a whole week.
[ranking: 44]
/u/jmoney73
In the last 20 years, I won over $7,300 by not buying a lottery ticket every day.
[ranking: 45]
/u/Nukemarine
The two worst sentences you can get are life and death.
[ranking: 46]
/u/sarahkuch
If there's a "heavens no" and a "hell yea," why isn't there a "purgatory perhaps"?
[ranking: 47]
/u/AlyxVeldin
Once you have a phd, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor's appointment.
[ranking: 48]
/u/Sland
Google earth is good for finding out which of your neighbors has a pool.
[ranking: 49]
/u/wtb2612
The only reason celebrities always say people should follow their dreams is because they're part of the small percentage who were actually successful.
[ranking: 50]
/u/RottenAnemone
The sinking of the titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
[ranking: 51]
/u/ElBretto
When jogging, we put on special clothes so people don't think we are running from or to something.
[ranking: 52]
/u/SoilworkFanatic
Horses must be the most farted upon creatures in the whole world.
[ranking: 53]
/u/ZebulonHart
Mars... Is populated entirely by robots!
[ranking: 54]
/u/aaqucnaona
The war on drugs probably has more POWs than any actual war.
[ranking: 55]
/u/AceOfDrafts
There is one day every year, where we unknowingly pass the anniversary of the day the dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid.
[ranking: 56]
/u/dewinstainleigh
If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the earth briefly becomes a sandwich.
[ranking: 57]
/u/nklotz
If Homer Simpson were a democratic congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he'd be Homer Simpson (D-OH).
[ranking: 58]
/u/Nulono
All our pets might have stockholm syndrome.
[ranking: 59]
/u/TeeDeeEff
Netflix should have a rating system that includes, "i hate this, but I want to keep watching it."
[ranking: 60]
/u/quiche_richards
Computer labs should flicker its lights every now and then, to remind students to save their work.
[ranking: 61]
/u/EetzRusheen
My right elbow has never been touched by my right hand.
[ranking: 62]
/u/nickpiscool
What if the egyptians didn't actually revere cats, but only jokingly did like we do on the internet?
[ranking: 63]
/u/komali_2
Somewhere out there, there is a bottle of caesar salad dressing with an expiration date of march 15th.
[ranking: 64]
/u/Zodikosis
Your stomach thinks all potato is mashed.
[ranking: 65]
/u/MayoFetish
If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my proximity to ducks determines whether or not I'm littering.
[ranking: 66]
/u/gogoALLthegadgets
If anyone was given the challenge to fall asleep in 10 minutes in exchange for a million dollars, almost everyone would fail miserably.
[ranking: 67]
/u/MeGustaUsername
A date is like a sex interview.
[ranking: 68]
/u/stopsayingnoodles
"Supervision" sounds a lot cooler than it really is.
[ranking: 69]
/u/PohFahVoh
Minivans have sliding doors so children don't open them into other cars.
[ranking: 70]
/u/Catifan
Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying on commercial airlines.
[ranking: 71]
/u/H3llShadow
If Obama was the President of Kenya, he would be their first white president.
[ranking: 72]
/u/Sloth_Brotherhood
"slang" is a colloquial word for "colloquial word."
[ranking: 73]
/u/caucasian-gary
When you drink alcohol, you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
[ranking: 74]
/u/benji9t3
Kevin spacey gets paid more to pretend to be a politician than real ones get paid to run the country.
[ranking: 75]
/u/Yiazmad
Technically speaking, wouldn't your best friend be your worst enemy?
[ranking: 76]
/u/DKXIII
Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions.
[ranking: 77]
/u/rrtaylor
If kanye and kim's child's name is north west, that makes kim's vagina the northwest passage.
[ranking: 78]
/u/avar14
A crush is called a crush because he/she will most likely crush your feelings
[ranking: 79]
/u/U7m8b
Humans have a 16 hour battery life.
[ranking: 80]
/u/gavin92
Some rappers basically have us pay them to tell us what extravagant/lavish things they then do with our money.
[ranking: 81]
/u/dafunkmasta
June is like friday, july is like saturday, and august is like sunday
[ranking: 82]
/u/thebageljew
Wake up earlier on weekends. Now you get to sleep in for 5 days a week instead of two.
[ranking: 83]
/u/jazcat
The word "anna" shifted down the alphabet one letter becomes "boob."
[ranking: 84]
/u/s4082211
It would make more sense if 3 had the value of 4 because the number 3 looks like half of the number 8.
[ranking: 85]
/u/thejamesstage
A mullet will make you a redneck and also prevent you from getting one.
[ranking: 86]
/u/BakedKartoffel
Childbirth is literally an emergency.
[ranking: 87]
/u/PaintedCeiling
If we ever colonize another planet how will we determine age?
[ranking: 88]
/u/Jtcor
Teach a man to fish he'll pay you once, sell a man a fish and he'll pay you for a lifetime.
[ranking: 89]
I wish I had a mario kart-like ghost of myself punctually getting ready for work in the morning so I'd know if I was running late.
[ranking: 90]
/u/OMGGGEEEE
Acquired taste is the stockholm syndrome of the flavor world.
[ranking: 91]
/u/therealjenks
Everything I cook literally turns out to be sh*t.
[ranking: 92]
/u/turnoid
Keith urban is a terrible name for a country music singer.
[ranking: 93]
/u/execon
"don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for an abortion clinic.
[ranking: 94]
/u/CoheedLudes
Can chewbacca even say "chewbacca"? shouldn't his name be something like "rawwwraaraar"?
[ranking: 95]
/u/noreferencesleft
Being attracted to your own flaccid penis would be the worst fetish ever
[ranking: 96]
/u/Mofman1
The word "bitch" is used to describe people of either gender who possess negative traits of the other.
[ranking: 97]
/u/skippwhy
I am just a penis. The rest of me is just there to make sure my penis survives long enough to make more penises.
[ranking: 98]
/u/this_wont_kill_me
"dog food lid" backwards is "dildo of god"
[ranking: 99]
/u/LightReaper
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