Humans Didn't Exist Until the Zuni Gods Did Some Plastic Surgery
[ranking: 9]
The Zuni believed that in the beginning of humanity, we had no mouths or anuses. That's right, no entrances, and no exits. We had webbed feet and crept around like some sort of pale lizard, and didn't know what we were or what to do. We were unfinished, and not quite humans yet.
We eventually came into the light with the Bow Priests, who wanted us to grow and improve. To help us do this, they planted corn, grew it, and harvested it for us. However, seeing as these early humans had no mouths or anuses, they really couldn't do anything about it. To fix this, the bow priests waited until we were all asleep, then took a knife, and cut mouths onto our faces.
Of course, then humans ate, but by nightfall they were very uncomfortable because they could not poop. To fix this, the bow priests took the same knives and made us all anuses. We should probably be really glad they didn't make those two holes in opposite order.
A Native American Hummingbird Created the Stars
[ranking: 12]
If you're a little guy and need some serious inspiration, keep reading. Many myths credit the creation of the stars to the spirits of ancestors, distant gods, or messages left for us. In one Native American myth, however, it has more to do with punishment than promises. The great spirits were noticing that none of the animals were getting along, constantly bickering and fighting with each other. The great spirits decided to teach the disagreeable animals a lesson and took the sun away, covering the sky with a great dark blanket. Many animals volunteered to pull away the blanket, including Coyote and Bear, but none could do it.
At last, the smallest of the birds, the Hummingbird, volunteered. Given that she was so tiny, the animals all laughed at her, but still they let her try. With all her might, she flew all the way up to the blanket, and was able to puncture it with her beak. But she was too weak to do much more. Still, determined, she flew up again and again, each time poking a new hole. Eventually, the other animals, amazed at her effort, began to help, boosting her up when she lacked energy.
When the great spirits saw this teamwork, they removed the blanket as a reward. But once at night, every night, they put the blanket back so that we can see the stars, and be reminded that we should not forget that everyone is useful in their own way. And that is why we have the night, the day, and the stars.
Hawaiian Sea Creatures Were the First Life to Exist
[ranking: 14]
Considering that Hawaii is surrounded by water, it makes sense that their creation myths would have all life starting with the sea. When land first emerged from the sea, there was still only darkness. Somewhere in the depths, in a cave, the first woman and man spirits gave birth to the original life forms of the earth. Was this mankind? Some form of whale, or a strange ocean spirit?
Nope. According to the Hawaiians, everything started with coral, the sea grub, the sea cucumber, the sea urchin, the barnacle, the mussel, and other various small shellfish. The coral and various sea grass came together to create land, and from there everything progressed until we eventually had humans. Although it does make sense, it's kind of strange to think that we all originated from sea urchins.
The Egyptians Believed Life Started with Semen
[ranking: 1]
Well, I mean, they're not wrong, but this myth still has a bit of an odd twist to it. In the Hymn to Atum, an ancient creation myth hymn, everything starts with this one god named Atum. There was nothing before him, and he willed himself into being, but felt that he had so much more to create and wanted to bring it all to fruition. So, here's where it gets weird. He then masturbated and ejaculated into his own mouth.
From that point, he sneezed out the wind and spat out the semen in his mouth to create the rain. From both of those, the rest of life and the world eventually came into being. The myth leaves just one question: does this mean that every time it rains we're using umbrellas to shield ourselves from godly semen spit?
For the Dogon, the Creation of the Earth Meant Female Circumcision
[ranking: 7]
In another area in Africa, creation was a little more painful for planet earth. Before there was any sort of earth, there was a god called Amma who lived in a separate celestial realm. He grew lonely, and created the earth to be his love. Seems simple enough, but here's where things get weird. Upon finding that their genitalia were incompatible, due to the earth's large termite-hill clitoris, Amma gave his earth-wife a circumcision.
Because that's the obvious thing to do, right? After that, the two were able to have children. Of course, those children went on to also have incestuous relations with their mother (which created the first menstrual blood, by the way), so there really doesn't seem to be a happy ending for mother earth anywhere here.
Everything in Central Africa is God Vomit
[ranking: 2]
The Bushongo tribe of Africa believed that even the gods could get tummy aches. One god in particular, named Bumba, had one of the worst cases of upset stomach in existence. Back when the world was only darkness and emptiness, the god Bumba noticed he was having some digestion pain, but given there was nothing to treat his problem, he had to just live with it until the situation sorted itself out.
It eventually did so in the way of a lot of vomit. The first thing he vomited up was the sun. Then it was the moon, the stars, animals, plants, and even eventually some very bile-coated and confused humans. So, without indigestion, the Boshongo believe we wouldn't even be here.
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