Random Best & Worst Cartoon Vehicles (13 items)

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  (#2) The Mystery Machine

  • Fictional Character

  You have to hand it to anyone who would not only paint their van themselves, but call it an actual Mystery Machine. Which brings up the question, did these guys get paid for their services? Why advertise like that if you aren't going to charge the poor Bed & Breakfast lady for getting rid of that crotchety (yet, surprisingly inventive and committed) old caretaker who really, really wanted her real estate? They drove around (nice color choices, but sadly, no half-naked space chicks with guitars) in their aqua-red-green van visiting a vast assortment of vacation spots (where did they get the money for all these vacations?) and aunts, uncles and cousins... I'm not sure who, exactly, they were advertising TO. In any event, the Mystery Machine was pretty cool, even if it was just a dressy serial killer van (I mean, no windows? And what was up with everyone sitting in the front seat all the time?).
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  (#4) The Homer

  Brilliant. Why has no one made this car yet? I'm speaking specifically of the separate sound-proofed dome to enclose the kids in the back seat. Oh, and the cup holders.
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  (#6) The Phoenix

  This makes the list sheerly out of fondness for Battle of the Planets (or, G-Force, as I think it was also called). I really, really loved that show when was a kid. Probably had something to do with the big eyes and the bird costumes. Just sayin'. But it was an awesome, sleek plane and it turned into a fiery phoneix for some reason that I no longer recall. Perhaps to drive fear into the hearts of their enemies? Maybe I just like things that are on fire.
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  (#11) The Phooeymobile

  I believe my hatred for Hanna-Barbera cartoons is well-documented. See my collected works on the topic in volumes 1-34 of 'Loathsome Children's Cartoons'. So, to say that I hated Hong Kong Phooey is too simple. I did not watch many of these episodes, despite the fact that I was apparently a POW of Saturday Morning Cartoons... and if something objectionable came on... well, these were the days before remotes, and the TV was a long way away from my cocoon of blankets and cereal crumbs. But I really, really hated everything about it. That f**king cat. And that... just look at that car. It makes me hate this show all over again.
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  (#10) Spider-Mobile

  You know who needs a dune buggy?

  Spiderman.
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  (#3) Hellcycle

  Ghost Rider is the poster child of "Cool Idea, S**tty Comic". This is a prime example of something surviving exclusively on the coolness of it's premise. A guy with a flaming skull riding a souped up motorcycle from hell. Also, did I mention the FLAMING SKULL? And leather jacket. Imagine if it were denim. With patches. Not really the same. This comic has some of the most historically dull, silly and stupid storylines of all comics... and yet, they made a movie out of it all the same. Again. Flaming skull.

  And the Hellcycle. God knows, I want one.

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