Random Funniest Famous Movie Speeches (17 items)

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  (#10) Animal Crackers

  • Groucho Marx, Harpo Marx, Chico Marx, Zeppo Marx, Margaret Dumont, Lillian Roth, Louis Sorin, Hal Thompson, Margaret Irving, Kathryn Reece, Richard Greig, Edward Metcalf

  Friends, I'm going to to tell you of the great mysterious wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa, God's country. And he can have it...Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.

  We at once proceeded 300 miles into the heart of the jungle where I shot a polar bear. This bear was 6 foot 7 in his stocking feet and had shoes on. This bear was anemic and couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and could afford to go away in the winter. From the day of our arrival we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, then back in bed at seven. This was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six-thirty.

  One morning I was sitting in front of the cabin smoking some meat There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers. I bagged them, I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen. The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elk and Knights of Pythias.

  Of course you all know what a moose is, that's big game. The first day I shot two bucks that was the biggest game we had. As I say you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese and is chased by the cats. The elks on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come down to the water-hole; and you should see them run when they find it is only water-hole. What they're looking for is a elk-a-hole. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know. But that is entirely irreverent to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. But we're going back again in a couple of weeks...

  Now, of course I had to include the Marx brothers on this list somehow. In this hilarious speech, Groucho Marx (as Captain Jeffrey Spaulding), describes his many adventures in Africa to a captive group of party-goers in the classic 1930 movie Animal Crackers.
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  (#16) Tootsie

  • Dustin Hoffman, Jessica Lange, Teri Garr, Dabney Coleman, Charles Durning, Bill Murray, Sydney Pollack, George Gaynes, Geena Davis, Doris Belack, Ellen Foley, Peter Gatto, Lynne Thigpen, Ronald L. Schwary, Debra Mooney, Amy Lawrence, Estelle Getty, Christine Ebersole

  It was this brother who, on the day of her death, swore to the good Lord above that he would follow in her footsteps, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just owe it all up to her. But on her terms. As a woman. And just as proud to be a woman as she ever was. For I am not Emily Kimberly, the daughter of Dwayne and Alma Kimberly. No, I’m not. I’m Edward Kimberly, the reckless brother of my sister Anthea … Edward Kimberly, who has finally vindicated his sister’s good name. I’m Edward Kimberly. Edward Kimberly.

  Dustin Hoffman delivers a hilarious speech in 1982's Tootsie, and you betcha he's on this list. Here, he decides he wants off of the soap opera (where he's been playing a woman, Dorothy). So he goes for the big reveal, letting everyone know that Dorothy is really Michael.
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  (#5) Vacation

  • Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Christie Brinkley, Anthony Michael Hall, Imogene Coca, Randy Quaid, Dana Barron, John Candy, Eddie Bracken, Brian Doyle-Murray, Eugene Levy

  I think you’re all f**ked in the head. We’re ten hours from the f**king fun park and you want to bail out! Well, I’ll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation, it’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much f**king fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our g*d damn smiles! You’ll be whistling "Zippity Doo Da" out of your a**holes! (laughs) I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy s***!

  Clark Griswold is barely hanging on, and in this hilarious bit from 1983's Vacation, Chevy Chase delivers without question one of the funniest rants from any comedy movie ever.
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  (#8) Blazing Saddles

  • Cleavon Little, Gene Wilder, Madeline Kahn, Slim Pickens, David Huddleston, Liam Dunn, Alex Karras, John Hillerman, George Furth, Mel Brooks, Harvey Korman, Dom DeLuise, Richard Collier

  I don't know if you ever heard of me before, but I used to be called 'The Waco Kid.' I was just walking down the street, and I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it Mister!" I spun around and there I was face to face with a six-year-old kid. Well I just threw my guns down and walked away....little bastard shot me in the a**! So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.

  Gene Wilder's Jim (The Waco Kid) delivers a hilarious speech explaining his history in 1974's Mel Brooks comedy Blazing Saddles.
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  (#11) The Big Lebowski

  • Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Julianne Moore, Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare, David Huddleston, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Flea, Leon Russom, Sam Elliott, Tara Reid, David Thewlis, Ben Gazzara

  Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was...he was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors, and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of southern California from La Jolla to Leo Carillo, and up to Pismo. He died.. he died as so many young men of his generation before his time, and in your wisdom, Lord, you took him. Just as you took so many bright, flowering young men at Khe San, and Lan Doc, and Hill 364. These young men gave their lives, and so did Donny. Donny who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos.. in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been....we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Goodnight, sweet prince.

  Walter's eulogy for his buddy Donny in 1998's The Big Lebowski goes horribly wrong (and yeah, he has to somehow tie all of this in to Vietnam). After this speech, delivered on a beautiful bluff, Walter (John Goodman) dumps Donny's ashes - which promptly blow all over The Dude.
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  (#1) Ferris Bueller's Day Off

  • Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, Jennifer Grey, Jeffrey Jones, Edie McClurg, Lyman Ward, Cindy Pickett, Charlie Sheen, Ben Stein, Del Close, Virginia Capers, Richard Edson, Larry "Flash" Jenkins

  The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom. A lot of people will tell you that a phony fever is a dead lock, but if you get a nervous mother, you could land in the doctor's office. That's worse than school. What you do is: you fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.

  I did have a test today. That wasn't bulls**t. It's on European Socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists - that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism, for that matter. Isms, in my opinion, are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me." A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus - I'd still have to bum rides off of people.

  Matthew Broderick delivers a series of really clever, genuinely funny speeches straight into the camera in 1986's Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Hard to pick a favorite, but this might be it!

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