The Egyptians Believed Life Started with Semen
[ranking: 1]
Well, I mean, they're not wrong, but this myth still has a bit of an odd twist to it. In the Hymn to Atum, an ancient creation myth hymn, everything starts with this one god named Atum. There was nothing before him, and he willed himself into being, but felt that he had so much more to create and wanted to bring it all to fruition. So, here's where it gets weird. He then masturbated and ejaculated into his own mouth.
From that point, he sneezed out the wind and spat out the semen in his mouth to create the rain. From both of those, the rest of life and the world eventually came into being. The myth leaves just one question: does this mean that every time it rains we're using umbrellas to shield ourselves from godly semen spit?
Everything in Central Africa is God Vomit
[ranking: 2]
The Bushongo tribe of Africa believed that even the gods could get tummy aches. One god in particular, named Bumba, had one of the worst cases of upset stomach in existence. Back when the world was only darkness and emptiness, the god Bumba noticed he was having some digestion pain, but given there was nothing to treat his problem, he had to just live with it until the situation sorted itself out.
It eventually did so in the way of a lot of vomit. The first thing he vomited up was the sun. Then it was the moon, the stars, animals, plants, and even eventually some very bile-coated and confused humans. So, without indigestion, the Boshongo believe we wouldn't even be here.
A Sassy Rainbow Snake from Australia Created the World
[ranking: 3]
This one starts out kind of pleasantly. In the beginning, we were all sleeping and dreaming, and the world was silent and empty. The first thing to awake was a rainbow serpent, and she emerged from the ground, intent on shaking things up. She started waking creatures up, one by one, starting with the frogs. Still, this new world needed water, all of which was contained in the bellies of the frogs. She quickly came up with a solution.
The rainbow snake tickled the frogs until they began to laugh. In their laughter, they began to cough up water. The water flowed, creating plants and awakening the other animals. Any animal who kept the laws the rainbow serpent laid out would become a human, whereas anyone who broke the laws became stones, which you see all over Australia today.
A Mongolian Loon Tries to Create Land, and God Breaks His Legs
[ranking: 4]
You kind of have to feel for the loon in this scenario. Back in the beginning, Father Heaven had two sons, Ulgen Tenger and Elreg Khan. Ulgen Tenger noticed that the world was completely covered in water with no land to be seen, which was pretty boring. To fix this, he called upon the loon, and asked him to bring up mud from deep under the water in order to create land.
Unfortunately, try as he might, the loon was unable to do this. Angry with his failure, Ulgen Tenger broke his legs as punishment so that he would be unable to walk. He asked duck to do it instead, and duck was able to create a small amount of land. After all, he was probably pretty motivated after he saw what failure brought.
In Romania, a Grumpy Mole Used Yarn to Weave the World
[ranking: 5]
Romanian origin myth dictates that everything started with a ball of thread. God used this ball of thread to measure the distance between heaven and earth, and then set about creating the world. During this, a little mole popped up and asked God if he needed some help. God said sure, and asked the mole to hold the thread while he wove the earth, but he didn't give the mole very good instructions. The mole often let out too much thread and the world became too large.
The mole was ashamed, and went to hide underground, which is why moles live in holes. Eventually, God sent a bee to ask the mole what he thought should be done about this too-big earth. The mole, rather accidentally, suggested that God should squeeze the earth so that the excess thread would become mountains and valleys, but that the earth would still fit under heaven. God did this, and everything fit just perfectly after that.
All Hindu Life Came from Death Butter
[ranking: 6]
At least some of the Hindu believed that creation was tasty - even if it came from death. In one creation myth, Purusha is the only thing in creation. Just one man, alone with nothing else around him. Of course, he was also an embodiment of everything that has existed and everything that will exist, so alone might be a bit of a strong word.
Eventually he decided to be sacrificed in order to create existence. When he was killed, what resulted was obvious: butter. Yes, you read that correctly. This clarified butter was turned into all the animals and life forms we still have today. His death also created the sun, moon, and other gods that went on to govern and rule all of existence.
For the Dogon, the Creation of the Earth Meant Female Circumcision
[ranking: 7]
In another area in Africa, creation was a little more painful for planet earth. Before there was any sort of earth, there was a god called Amma who lived in a separate celestial realm. He grew lonely, and created the earth to be his love. Seems simple enough, but here's where things get weird. Upon finding that their genitalia were incompatible, due to the earth's large termite-hill clitoris, Amma gave his earth-wife a circumcision.
Because that's the obvious thing to do, right? After that, the two were able to have children. Of course, those children went on to also have incestuous relations with their mother (which created the first menstrual blood, by the way), so there really doesn't seem to be a happy ending for mother earth anywhere here.
The Norse Gods Created a World from Severed Limbs
[ranking: 8]
In some mythology, gods go through great efforts, sometimes trials, to create the cosmos. Well, in Norse mythology, it cost one god just a bit more. Before the cosmos existed, there was a god giant named Ymir. When Odin was born, he and his brothers killed Ymir and decided that they weren't going to waste the remains. Instead, they cut his body apart and used it to create the cosmos.
They made the oceans from his blood, the ground out of his skin and muscles, his hair became the plants, his brains became the clouds, and the sky was made from his skull. In order to keep the sky way up in the air, four dwarves were tasked with holding it up for all eternity at its four corners. They also used his eyelashes to create the mortal, human realm, which they named Midgard.
Humans Didn't Exist Until the Zuni Gods Did Some Plastic Surgery
[ranking: 9]
The Zuni believed that in the beginning of humanity, we had no mouths or anuses. That's right, no entrances, and no exits. We had webbed feet and crept around like some sort of pale lizard, and didn't know what we were or what to do. We were unfinished, and not quite humans yet.
We eventually came into the light with the Bow Priests, who wanted us to grow and improve. To help us do this, they planted corn, grew it, and harvested it for us. However, seeing as these early humans had no mouths or anuses, they really couldn't do anything about it. To fix this, the bow priests waited until we were all asleep, then took a knife, and cut mouths onto our faces.
Of course, then humans ate, but by nightfall they were very uncomfortable because they could not poop. To fix this, the bow priests took the same knives and made us all anuses. We should probably be really glad they didn't make those two holes in opposite order.
The Chinese Believed the Sky and Earth Were Made of Eggshells
[ranking: 10]
Eggs actually play a major role in many creation myths, but the Chinese had a particular good one. You see, according to them, in the beginning heaven and hearth were one creation, and the universe was nothing but chaos. Everything was all contained in one massive, dark egg. Then Pangu, a great god, was born inside of the egg and waited there, growing strong.
When he awoke, he realized he was trapped and wanted to free himself. He tore the egg apart, the upper half of the shell becoming the sky, and the lower half becoming the earth. When he eventually died, various parts of his body became different parts of the earth, much like the Norse mythos.
The First Maori Children Caused a Perfect Marriage to Break Up
[ranking: 11]
The Maori creation myth is actually pretty sad, and doesn't speak very well about having kids. The story goes that there was a Sky Father, Rangi, and an Earth Mother, Papa. They loved each other immensely, and at the beginning of time they just lay together, hugging so tightly that there was no separation between them at all. Everything was peaceful. But then they had kids. Like, a lot of kids.
These children were contained between them in darkness, and didn't much like this arrangement, so they decided to force their parents apart. They at last managed to do this, and the Rangi separated from the earth and went to live as the sky. Still, to this day, Rangi misses Papa so much that he will sigh and weep, and this is why it rains. The moral of this story? Don't have children, I guess.
A Native American Hummingbird Created the Stars
[ranking: 12]
If you're a little guy and need some serious inspiration, keep reading. Many myths credit the creation of the stars to the spirits of ancestors, distant gods, or messages left for us. In one Native American myth, however, it has more to do with punishment than promises. The great spirits were noticing that none of the animals were getting along, constantly bickering and fighting with each other. The great spirits decided to teach the disagreeable animals a lesson and took the sun away, covering the sky with a great dark blanket. Many animals volunteered to pull away the blanket, including Coyote and Bear, but none could do it.
At last, the smallest of the birds, the Hummingbird, volunteered. Given that she was so tiny, the animals all laughed at her, but still they let her try. With all her might, she flew all the way up to the blanket, and was able to puncture it with her beak. But she was too weak to do much more. Still, determined, she flew up again and again, each time poking a new hole. Eventually, the other animals, amazed at her effort, began to help, boosting her up when she lacked energy.
When the great spirits saw this teamwork, they removed the blanket as a reward. But once at night, every night, they put the blanket back so that we can see the stars, and be reminded that we should not forget that everyone is useful in their own way. And that is why we have the night, the day, and the stars.
Gods Rip the Aztec Earth Spirit into Pieces to Create a Stable World
[ranking: 13]
As it happens in many other myths, the Aztecs believed that it all started with the void. From there, a great god that was both male and female came into being. This hermaphrodite god birthed four gods, named for the for directions (north, east, south, west), which started creating new life and objects as fast as possible.
There was just one little problem. There was no land, so all of the creations just fell into the water and were devoured by a great monster earth goddess named Cipactli. The gods decided it was time to do away with this hungry creature, so they attacked her and fought her viciously. She fought back, but they eventually dismembered her and from her battered corpse, they created everything.
Hawaiian Sea Creatures Were the First Life to Exist
[ranking: 14]
Considering that Hawaii is surrounded by water, it makes sense that their creation myths would have all life starting with the sea. When land first emerged from the sea, there was still only darkness. Somewhere in the depths, in a cave, the first woman and man spirits gave birth to the original life forms of the earth. Was this mankind? Some form of whale, or a strange ocean spirit?
Nope. According to the Hawaiians, everything started with coral, the sea grub, the sea cucumber, the sea urchin, the barnacle, the mussel, and other various small shellfish. The coral and various sea grass came together to create land, and from there everything progressed until we eventually had humans. Although it does make sense, it's kind of strange to think that we all originated from sea urchins.
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