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Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

  • Captain America on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#1) Captain America

    • The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, Ultimate Avengers, Captain America, Ultimate Avengers 2, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Captain America, Captain America: The First Avenger, The Avengers, Captain America II: Death Too Soon, Captain America, 3 Dev Adam, Marvel Universe

    Yes, Steve Rogers, AKA Captain America, is a babe, but he’s not exactly well-versed in the ways of wooing a sexual partner. He grew up as dweeb in an incredibly repressive culture, and he didn’t actually get hot until the government injected him with super soldier juice – so he didn’t get laid prior to the war.

    During World War II he was too busy killing Nazis to have sex with Agent Peggy Carter. Then he was frozen, and once he was thawed out he immediately started fighting aliens and punching Tony Stark, all while not having sex with Agent Sharon Carter. Virginity, thy name is Steve Rogers.

  • Bane on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#2) Bane

    • Justice League: Doom, The Dark Knight Rises

    Bane, the masked, muscular thorn in the side of Batman, grew up in a hole in the middle of the desert surrounded by crooks and thieves. Sure, he's got a babelike face under that contraption, but once he escapes the prison he's out for revenge. Forget physical touch. Bane is all about pumping iron and engaging in super-villainy.

    Even after he banishes Bruce Wayne to that same desert hole and starts walking people onto a frozen lake, Bane keeps himself busy with bad guy stuff rather than attempting to woo a sexual partner.

  • Gaston on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#3) Gaston

    • Disney's House of Mouse, Beauty and the Beast, Beauty and the Beast

    Gaston spends all of Beauty and The Beast puffing out his chest and swinging around his ponytail while he talks about how virile he is. Throughout the story he has his eyes set on Belle, and rather than move on when she rebukes his advances he continues to flaunt his masculinity throughout their quaint French village. Not only is Gaston a total goon, but you can tell that he’s a virgin because he’s so thirsty for Belle to pay attention to him.

  • Mitch Buchannon on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#4) Mitch Buchannon

    • Baywatch the Movie: Forbidden Paradise, Baywatch Nights, Baywatch, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding

    If box office receipts are to be believed, you didn’t see the new Baywatch movie. If you had, you would know that Mitch Buchannon is presented as the number-one stud of Emerald Bay: all the ladies want him and the men want to be him. But all Mitch seems to want is to get jacked, save lives, and keep the beach free from injustice of all kinds. Throughout the film women throw themselves at him, only to be consistently rebuffed. Mitch isn't afraid to go toe to toe with vicious drug dealers, but he is spooked by intimacy.

  • Daniel Plainview on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#5) Daniel Plainview

    • There Will Be Blood

    There Will Be Blood’s Daniel Plainview may drink up your milkshake, but he’s never drank up anything else, you know? Not only is he a vile human being, but he’s completely obsessed with finding oil, making cold hard cash, and destroying his enemies. All three of those things are enough to fill one’s day, leaving zero time for the pursuit of sexual intercourse.

  • David Wooderson on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#6) David Wooderson

    • Dazed and Confused

    In Dazed and Confused, David Wooderson, played by Matthew McConaughey, is a major lothario – or so he wants people to think. The way Wooderson acts throughout the film, with his whole "I get older they stay the same age" thing, and his insistence on giving women weird nicknames, makes you wonder if he’s ever even kissed a girl.

    It’s safe to say most alpha males who make a big deal about their sexual conquests have never actually done half of what they say they have. Wooderson is definitely guilty of this crime.

  • John Rambo on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#7) John Rambo

    • Rambo III, Meet the Spartans, First Blood, Cameraman: The Life and Work of Jack Cardiff, Rambo, Ultimate Fights, Rambo: First Blood Part II

    Can you even imagine Rambo having sex? By the time he returns from Vietnam to hitchhike his way across America, he’s so wracked with PTSD that he can barely even speak. The moment he feels remotely threatened his first thought is to go to war with an entire town. If he’d ever had sex in his life he would probably be a little more relaxed.

    As much as his dour demeanor likely comes from the horrors he’s seen in war, there’s no way that Rambo was a happy-go-lucky lady’s man before Vietnam.

  • Lt. Tom 'Iceman' Kazansky on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#8) Lt. Tom 'Iceman' Kazansky

    • Top Gun

    Iceman, Tom Cruise’s antagonist in Top Gun, is an ace pilot who’s cool under pressure, hence the nickname. And even though he’s played by Val Kilmer in peak babe mode, he's probably a total virgin.

    Maverick knows how to schmooze the ladies, but he’s also a loose cannon who isn’t the best pilot in the Top Gun program. Iceman is, and the unfortunate truth of being the best in the world at something is that you have to spend your every waking moment practicing said thing. Iceman has no time for love.

  • Bodhi on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#9) Bodhi

    • Point Break

    As Lori Petty says in director Katherine Bigelow’s surfing bank robbers movie Point Break, “That's Bodhi. They call him the Bodhisattva. He's a modern savage. He's a real searcher.” But she should have added, “He’s also a total virgin.”

    Bodhi may be played by Patrick Swayze at his hunkiest, but the character’s insistence on riding the perfect wave and constantly moving means he probably doesn’t really date. As much as he seems like a far-out party guy, he also spends most of the movie philosophizing, which is a surefire way to make any potential sexual partner run for the hills.

  • Blain Cooper on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#10) Blain Cooper

    Predator is a movie made for men, by men. Big, oily, men. It’s likely that none of the characters in this film have ever had sex, especially since the moment they actually meet a real-life woman they relegate her to the background as they clean their guns and try to out muscle daddy each other.

    The most alpha of the daddies in Predator is Blain Cooper, played by Jesse Ventura, former WWF wrestler and governor of Minnesota. Cooper spends his time in the film spitting tobacco on his friends, spewing homophobic epithets, and caressing his gun. Not only is Cooper a special ops military guy who’s spent most of his life working for the government, leaving no time for a long-term relationship, but he’s just an absolute bore.

  • J.R. MacReady on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#11) J.R. MacReady

    • The Thing

    The hero of The Thing, played by Kurt Russell, is an ace helicopter pilot who can fly through any snow storm, drink whiskey like it’s water, and handle most alien invasions. Presumably MacReady could work anywhere, but he ended up in a research station exclusively populated by grizzled dudes and melting dog-Things.

    Either MacReady has such terrible people skills that his only option for work is to go to Antarctica, or he dislikes people so much that he chose to work in Antarctica. Either way, that’s proof that MacReady has never so much as held hands with a prospective lover.

  • Douglas Quaid on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#12) Douglas Quaid

    • Total Recall, Total Recall

    Total Recall follows Douglas Quaid (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger), a seemingly regular guy who goes on a memory implant vacation via the Rekall company. But then he remembers that he's actually a secret agent who's trying to save Mars.

    That’s if you’re take the film at face value. It also works if the entire film happens inside Quaid's head. It could all be the fantasy of an uptight construction worker who doesn’t know how to take a break, let alone get intimate. This totally explains why the movie is full of action hero garbage and women with too many breasts wearing super tight clothes. This is definitely a guy who’s never had sex.

  • Bruce Wayne on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#13) Bruce Wayne

    • Justice League, The Batman, Batman: Under the Red Hood, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 2, Batman: Gotham Knight, Batman vs. Superman, Batman

    Bruce Wayne is the ultimate alpha male. He’s James Bond meets Bruce Lee dressed as a gothic monster. He seemingly never sleeps, he’s always solving crimes, and he’s in amazing shape – but to do all of those things, he’s definitely never had time to have sex. That whole "billionaire playboy" thing is definitely an act.

    When you think about it, Batman’s virginity is probably what powers his crime fighting abilities. If he were having any kind of sex he wouldn't be nearly as angry.

  • Xander Cage on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#14) Xander Cage

    • xXx, XXX: The Return of Xander Cage

    The man, the myth, the bald, Xander Cage is always shown in spicy situations with super sexy ladies. But do you think he’s actually having sex with any of them? Cage honestly seems like he’s more interested in wearing insane coats than getting busy.

    If you’re a real X-head, you’re probably saying, “Xander Cage slept with a bunch of models in London in xXX: Return of Xander Cage!” Here’s the thing: there's no evidence he did anything other than literally sleep with them. Cage is such a dork that he most likely stayed up all night chatting about everyone’s hopes and dreams rather than having rooftop group sex like any spy worth his salt.

  • King Leonidas on Random Cinematic Alpha Males You Never Noticed Are Almost Certainly Virgins

    (#15) King Leonidas

    • Meet the Spartans, 300, The 300 Spartans

    A man who spends this much time getting ripped, and even more time obsessing over killing other men, has definitely never had sex. Sure, Leonidas from 300 supposedly has a kid, but who's to say he isn't adopted?

    If Leonidas had actually done it, he wouldn't be so eager to go on a suicide mission with 299 of his hottest friends. The focus and drive required to go to war against 30,000 warriors can only be attained by a virgin who has zero sexual desire.

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About This Tool

Alpha males, meaning “older” males who are comfortable in a group and have it all under control. Researchers recently found that for Alpha males, extra stress may be one of the main reasons for their short lives. On the other hand, scientists have also found that stress contributes to the evolution of the brain and that Alpha males’ success is in part due to stress.

This random tool collates 15 items and introduces you to the impressive Alpha male in the film. They often a simple character, like to boast about their heroic deeds, but in fact, shallow thinking, not too bad-hearted.

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